Frank Drebin on the truth

Truth hurts.  Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

 

~ Frank Drebin (played by Leslie Nielson in the movie, Naked Gun)

Dave Portnoy on the decision to leave Caitlin Clark off the Olympic team

You people, whoever did this, honestly, take your brain, put it in a museum and study it for how dumb you are.

~ Dave Portnoy, Barstool Sports, video tweet, June 8, 2024

Bill Walton on the conditioning of NBA players

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players.  It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.

~ Bill Walton

Jeffrey Evan Brooks on socialism

Socialism is like Neil Diamond music.  It's not good and belongs in the past, yet there's a group of people who think that it will eventually catch on if only they keep playing it.

~ Jeffrey Evan Brooks

Dennis Wholey on karma

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. 

~ Dennis Wholey

Will Rogers on dying

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. 

~ Will Rogers

Joe Queenan on why he won't take a cruise with millennials

An interesting thought occurred to me.  Millennials and Gen Xers quite accurately view baby boomers as their economic adversaries.  Retirees like me are stifling the futures of younger generations with our extravagant Social Security benefits.  Yet for some reason young people are enthusiastically signing up for cruises where they will be surrounded by the very cohort they have reason to despise.  Why? 

Let’s just say ocean cruises offer a wonderful opportunity for millennials and Gen Xers to even up the generational score.  There you are, out on the Lido Deck, all set to enjoy the Aurora Borealis, when without warning some vindictive millennial gives you a little nudge in the back.  Splish!  Splash!  Man overboard!

Do I honestly think millennials would do such a cruel and devious thing?  Well, I could hardly blame them.  That’s why I’m keeping my eyes peeled for an all-expenses-paid family cruise invitation from my kids.  I love you guys, but I don’t trust you.

~ Joe Queenan, "I Won't Be Going on Any Cruise Ship With Millennials," The Wall Street Journal, June 28, 2023

Jeff Polet on the value of comedians mocking power

One good comedian is more valuable to society than a hundred public intellectuals because nothing exposes power as a joke at its expense … for the tyrant can endure anything except being laughed at.

~ Jeff Polet, professor of political science at Hope College in Michigan

Bill Watterson on the existence of intelligent life beyond earth

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

~ Bill Watterson, American cartoonist and author of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes

Betty White on humor

It's your outlook on life that counts.  If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives.  And sometimes it can be a lifesaver. 

~ Betty White

January 17, 1922 - December 31, 2021

Kevin Duffy on humor

The role of humor isn't just to bring levity, but to reveal reality, absurdity, stupidity, hypocrisy and irony.

~ Kevin Duffy

Eddie Van Halen on making mistakes

If you make a mistake, try to do it twice and smile.  Because that way people think you meant it.

~ Eddie Van Halen

Eddie Van Halen
1955-2020

Jesse Kelly gets his sons their first puppy

~ Jesse Kelly, tweet, September 21, 2020

George Burns on memory and aging

First you forget names, than you forget faces.  Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

~ George Burns, 1989-1996

George Eliot on aging

The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest.  You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

~ George Eliot

Jay Leno on action stars endorsing presidential candidates

Have you noticed all these action stars are now endorsing candidates? Like Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger came out for John McCain; and today, Hillary Clinton picked up Janet Reno.

~ Jay Leno, The Tonight Show, January 4, 2008

Will Rogers on humor

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

~ Will Rogers

Charles Barkley on job security for NBA basketball coach Isiah Thomas

He's about as safe as me in a room full of cookies.

~ Charles Barkley, TNT, commenting in the 4th quarter of a 45-point blowout by the Celtics of the Knicks, coached by Thomas, November 29, 2007

Reagan on hard work

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?

~ Ronald Reagan, The Guardian, March 31, 1987

David Vaughn on re-inventing the wheel

We're trying to re-invent the wheel here, and it's not coming out round.

~ David Vaughn, engineer